


If all else fails, I still love you | Renga

by etherealcosmos



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hasegawa Langa In Love, Insecure Kyan Reki, Kyan Reki is a Ray of Sunshine, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Kyan Reki, One-Sided Attraction, Overthinking, POV Kyan Reki, POV Third Person, kyagawa, langa has missing reki hours, renga, why are there so many reki tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:26:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29760300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealcosmos/pseuds/etherealcosmos
Summary: Nothing seemed to work. No matter what he did, Reki’s feelings just wouldn’t vanish, and it kept interfering with his and Langa’s perfect friendship. No matter what failed, he still loved him.
Relationships: Hasegawa Langa/Kyan Reki
Comments: 21
Kudos: 138





	1. Lunch

**Author's Note:**

> original storyline :) nothing to do w ep7

**Prologue**

The bed sheets were cold without Langa there. There were tears running down his cheeks, but Reki thought that his hands felt too dirty to wipe them away. He'd been holding back tears ever since the hallway. What really upset him was that his phone hadn't made a noise since then, either. There were no messages. Langa didn't care.

What even happened? Reki asked himself, digging his nails into his chest in hopes that it would ease the pain. We were so happy just a few days ago, he thought. At least, _I_ was happy a few days ago.

The blankets wrapped around him couldn't answer, and didn't offer half as much warmth as Langa ever had. Reki wanted him back, oh so badly. But Langa was just too far away.

**Chapter 1**

**X days prior/Day 1**

Whenever he saw Langa waiting at the school gates, Reki would feel reassured that he cared. Every day was held the repeating challenge of deciding if it was worth it or not for him to greet Langa at the gates every school morning. Even if Reki never grabbed onto Langa's hand during those mornings, he'd always have the temptation to. It was practically a poison, not being able to feel anything from Langa, not even during the days he felt like the world was going to end.

It didn't matter when it was or what was happening, while Reki always moved closer, Langa would push further away. So he'd never truly thought of, much less dared to, take his hand, even for a split second. Because if he did, there would always be an awkwardness in the air from then on. Or, if that one-in-a-million chance of Langa accepting it was granted, then the risk would've been worth it. But the awkwardness felt much more likely.

Just the thought of any negative change, no matter how small, in his and Langa's friendship made Reki shiver. At those school gates, Reki would always decide that if didn't take Langa's hand, there'd be no issue-everything would stay the same. And he was fine with that.

So when Langa called out his usual, "Good morning!" with a cheerful smile, Reki knew to turn his gaze away from the hand in front of him. After all, it was just a friendly wave, not an offer of any sort.

-

Reki rubbed the pen with his fingers again. He was more bored than anyone could ever imagine, sitting in the back of the room. It was so tempting to strike up a conversation with someone other than the teacher, about something other than math, but that was practically punishable by death.

The heavy footsteps getting louder snap Reki out of his own head. "Having trouble, Kyan?"

Reki gulped, clutching his pen. "No, sir."

The teacher narrowed her brows, frowning at the paper. "Your sheet is nearly blank. If you can't complete it within the remaining time, I'll have to ask you to stay with me a few minutes after class."

Reki sighed as the teacher walked away. As soon as she was out of earshot, he turned around, near empty worksheet in hand, to face Langa.

Langa looked up at Reki, covering his own paper with a hand and frowning with disapproval.

"Just once?" Reki pleaded.

Langa rolled his eyes, turning the worksheet around so it would face the other. "You owe me one for this though."

Reki immediately started copying down the answers. "I'll always owe you something," he said, smiling.

Langa smiled to himself too as he waited.

Just a couple minutes after Reki had finished, the bell rang. Langa sprung up from his chair and dashed to the door. A flood of students rushed by him while he waited, eyeing the redhead who was cramming notes into an overflowing bag.

Eventually, Reki gave up, throwing the bag on his shoulders while trying not to drop any papers. "How come you always wait for me?"

Langa shrugged. "It's not as much fun without you."

Reki stared, trying to see if there was anything more to it, before chuckling it off. "Hehe. Same goes for you."

They went to the cafeteria, picking up trays to fill. "You want mushrooms today?"

Langa shrugged. "It's not much of a surprise lunch if you ask me what I want."

"I don't want to give you something you'll hate me for!" Reki pouted.

"And neither do I, but here I am, putting lettuce on the tray." Langa knew Reki disliked lettuce with his whole being, but he also knew that Reki wouldn't hate him for serving it.

Reki groaned, hanging his head. "You think a lot differently than I do."

"Look at it this way," Langa started, moving down the line, "if you mess up, there's an excuse to come to my house and cook for me, which'll give you more credit than just picking random foods from a school lunch."

Reki huffed, deciding to just put a little bit of everything on Langa's tray. The thought of cooking more than just a simple breakfast seemed difficult and time-consuming. He hadn't done it much before, and even when he did, they weren't really full meals. But, thinking of the rewarding look he'd get, a face full of gratitude and enjoyment, Reki thought that he might give it a chance.

The two sit down at their usual table and swap trays. Looking down at his, Reki finds a slice of apple pie, which cost a little extra as a dessert.

He looked to the right, a beaming smile on his face. "Thank you, Langa!"

Langa looked back at him, smiling too when he saw Reki's face. "Of course, Reki."

At that moment, he really, really wanted to squeeze Langa's hand under the table as a better thank you, like he'd seen the girls do, but if someone saw them, it'd be the end of his life.

But he really, really wanted to.

Just one time, Reki told himself, bringing his fingers to Langa's and holding the cold skin, right there under the table. After letting his heart skip a beat and taking all his energy to not grin, he let go. He didn't look up to see Langa's reaction, because it wouldn't happen again anyway-it was just this once.

-

The walk home didn't go the way he'd expected it to.

Langa had first asked if they could stop at a park before going home. Of course, they weren't going to the same place, but their families were close enough that they'd just silently agreed to call each other's houses their own. All that was Reki's was Langa's, and all that was Langa's was Reki's.

For that reason, Langa hadn't stopped Reki when he'd seen the redhead in his sweatshirt, even multiple times. And so Reki hadn't stopped Langa when he saw him wearing one of his favourite shirts. That was another silent agreement of theirs.

They didn't have many other agreements that came into play often, but when Reki had agreed to stop without knowing what was going to happen, he supposed that they would unlock a new one.

And he wasn't exactly wrong. Now, the benches were cold beneath their pale bodies. Sweatshirts and jeans weren't ever going to protect them from the harsher winds, but the weather wasn't something to worry about right then.

There wasn't anybody nearby at the park. Langa must've figured it to be the perfect time to ask, considering they usually split up here, so it wouldn't be much of an awkward time afterwards. "Do you ever want to have someone else?"

That was the first time Reki's chest ached a bit. Did he mean a replacement? Was he thinking that they weren't good friends?

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but romantically, I mean."

That felt even worse for the second time.

"Maybe a bit. But it's not like it's my first priority or anything." Reki gulped, wondering if it was a good idea to ask a similar question back. Langa had brought it up, after all, and he needed to know, too. "What about you?"

Giving out a hum of thought, Langa answered, "Yeah, but I don't think I'll ever get it."

"Does that mean you have someone in mind?"

Langa hesitated before responding. "She's out of reach now."

 _She_. For the third time, Reki felt the tightening of his chest.

Sighing, Langa picked up his bag and stood up. "Let's go home."

Reki nodded, putting his bag over his shoulder. "It wasn't embarrassing," he said, trying to be confident. "We can talk about anything, you know."

Langa just chuckled it off. "Thanks, but I can't give good advice about anything. It's a bit of a surprise, but I think Miya is an even better guy to talk to."

"Miya? Really?" Reki burst out into a fit of laughter. "No way, isn't he like 14?"

"14, and better than anyone I know at recognising feelings. Honestly, a free, blunt therapist"-Langa scoffed-"and just as stubborn as ever. If I can't help you, he can."

"Hey, hey," Reki said, nudging Langa's arm, "What makes you think I need more help from him than you do? Sounds to me like you're the one who said 'she' is out of reach."

"But, at least you have a chance." Langa shrugged. "I don't think I'll get feelings again until the ones for her die out. Oh, actually." He nudged Reki back, saying, "You weren't very clear about everything. Is there someone now, or did you just mean for in the future?"

"Well..." Reki took a long moment to think before responding. "They're out of reach now, too. I guess we'll both talk to Miya, then?"

"One at a time. I'm not going on a humiliating talk about 'love' or whatever in front of my best friend."

"Oh, that hurt, Langa." Crossing his arms, he said, "I was ready to pour my heart out to you, but since you won't share, I guess I can't either."

"Who says you can't?" Langa's tone had changed in a heartbeat. "I dare you now, pour your heart out to me like you said you would."

Reki was, for the first time, glad that they hadn't faced each other during the conversation at all, so that Langa couldn't see his flushed face. "Like hell I will...only if you do it first."

"Hey, you blushed. I think I'm getting better at this flirting game you suggested."

"Oi, shut up."


	2. Miya

**X days prior/Day 2**

"G'morning Reki!"

"Morning," Reki called back, hopping off of his skateboard to walk. "Where are we going for lunch break today? Cafeteria again?"

Langa turned his head the other way, avoiding Reki's eyes. "Ah, actually, I have some overdue stuff to catch up on."

"Oh, really?" Reki waited a few moments before turning his head away, too. "That sucks. I can try to help with it, get it done faster."

"No, it's alright. It shouldn't take long, even with just myself."

"Suit yourself," Reki said, though he knew it was suspicious. "See you at 3rd?"

Langa hummed a response. "At 3rd."

They wave again to each other before going down different hallways, hearing the sound of the bell, but playing each other's voices in their heads.

-

"Tomorrow's going to be a test day, so I'm giving you this full period to pick a partner or two and study," the teacher announced. "Only rules are quiet and no groups of more than 3 people. Now get to work!"

The whole class went into a buzz, people getting out of their seats and merging desks. Reki just turned around like he always did, folding his arms on top of Langa's desk to grab the boy's attention.

At the beginning of collaborative projects in Ms. Tanaka's class, Langa would be waiting for Reki to turn around and ask to start together or find a group they could both join. But this time, when Reki looked up at Langa, he was scanning the classroom.

"Who are you looking for?" Reki asked, trying to angle his vision in the same direction.

"Oh, no one," Langa said, turning his head back to Reki. "Are we pairing up?"

There was a new tone in his voice. It almost sounded like he didn't want to. And Reki had promised himself that he'd never force Langa to do something he didn't want to.

It had been a sunny day, a few years back, and a Tuesday. Reki knew it had been a Tuesday because he and Langa used to always race each other on skateboards during Tuesday afternoons, and they had been sitting on the sidewalk with their skateboards, energy drained.

"Hey," Reki said, panting, "you wanna do this with a few classmates tomorrow? I've known them for a week or so, they're pretty good at skateboarding."

Langa fidgeted and shook his head. "Sorry, I'm still new here...I don't think I'll be comfortable with anyone but you just yet."

"That's okay! I don't want to make you uncomfortable, not ever."

"Thank you, Reki," Langa whispered with a smile.

"I promise, I'll never make you do something that you're not okay with."

Langa chuckled. "Same goes to you, too." He laughed about it again once more. "You're the best."

That had probably been the first time Reki's heart and eyes had sparkled at Langa, and he knew it. He wasn't ever going to forget that moment. But when Reki detected the slight tone, he made an exception.

It wasn't "if you want to." Or, "are you okay with that?" Not even a "hey, are you doing alright?"

"Yeah, let's get started," Reki said, feeling a wave of guilt crash over him immediately.

Langa nodded and stood up to grab the materials they needed. Reki watched him go to see if Langa would try to catch anyone's gaze. Just this once, he wouldn't ask, because it wasn't a big deal anyway, right?

As soon as the bell rang, Langa got out of his chair and said, "I'll see you later."

Reki looked up, confused for a moment. Then he scoffs at himself for forgetting. "Oh, right."

Langa seemed to take that as a goodbye, because he spun around and went to the door, bag already zipped up, like he'd been prepared to leave all along.

"Good luck with your homework!" Reki called out. Langa had already left the room.

Reki waited a few moments before leaving with the rest of the class. It occurred to him that Langa just might want some space after their conversation on the walk home. Even if he had been the one to bring it up, it was something to think about by yourself, right?

"Maybe he's going to meet with whoever girl it is," Reki mumbled to himself, heading to the cafeteria on his own. A sigh escaped his lips as he thought about it-Langa wrapping his arms around someone else, sitting on the edge of his bed with her, laughing at something funny one of them had said, all while gazing at each other like the rest of the world was disappearing.

It seemed like the last part was the line past friendship that Reki couldn't cross, and wouldn't ever. When it had started, Reki had thought it would just go away in a few weeks, like how it did with every other person he'd deeply admired. Even when a few weeks turned into a few months, he acknowledged but didn't act upon it, because they were both content with how they were. The chance of being more than friends had been low in his mind, though he somehow always found hope.

Those few months had turned into a couple of years. The temptations to ask for more, to hold him, to _kiss_ him, and to stay by his side as long as possible, had grown so much that it was tearing Reki apart. Holding back this entire time must've been able to make the cut for a world record. Langa had never shown signs of interest back, or if he had, Reki hadn't noticed. Now that it was clear that Langa was interested in someone else, the slim amount of hope he had had vanished, and Reki decided that it was about time to move on.

Easier said than done, though, he told himself, sitting down with a lunch tray. If he couldn't do it after years, how would he just do it now?

There should be a stop button for this kind of stuff, Reki thought. All I have is a call button on my phone, and it doesn't help much.

His head perks up at a sudden thought. Wait, I have a call button!

Reki took his phone from his bag. He hadn't thought he'd take Langa's words seriously, but here he was, sending a message to Miya asking to meet up after school hours.

-

"Home on the left or home on the right?"

"Actually..." Reki said, making a different turn down the street, "I took your advice. About talking to Miya."

"Oh!" There seemed to be a spark of energy from Langa. "Then, since we're in similar situations, maybe I should come t-"

"No!"

Langa's face went from excited to shocked. Reki slapped himself at his sudden outburst. "Sorry, I mean, it's just embarrassing." And multiple other reasons. "So. Please don't come."

"Ah, okay then." Langa held up a hand to wave goodbye. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yup, tomorrow," Reki said, waving back.

-

Opening the door to Miya's "secret hideout", as he'd heard it be called from the man himself, Reki found that it was just about as to be expected.

The room was through a hidden opening in the wall of Miya's bedroom, and they were both cluttered with absolute junk. Considering his own terribly messy room, Reki didn't mind, but he made a note to clean later because it must've looked like this to guests.

"Now, let the hellish life of Reki Kyan be told," Miya said, sitting on a pillow. "Sit down, sit down."

It was kind of hard to do that in such a cramped space, but Reki cleared a spot for himself. "So...what do you want me to say?"

"Your whole life." Miya playfully glared, trying to hold back a laugh. "I want to hear it all, all from the beginning."

"I think that would take a while."

"Just get on with it."

"Okay..." Reki took a moment to think of where to start. "Well, it kind of started the time when I made my first promise to him..."

Ever since then, Reki had noticed a feeling of want that he didn't even recognise. He wanted to be the first person Langa thought about in the morning, and the last before he'd go to sleep. He wanted to be the first name Langa would see on a list of hundreds. He wanted to be the person to come to mind when Langa needed someone to talk to. He wanted to-

"Yeah, sounds like you're gay, dude."

Reki sprung up off the floor, gaping at what Miya had just said. "Stop joking around!"

"I don't know what else you want me to say," Miya said, shrugging. "You can just see these kinds of things. Even with girls, who aren't automatically assumed queer when they hold hands, it's plainly obvious."

Reki's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. "Plainly obvious?"

"Yeah. You look at him like he's more than just an inspiration, a friend, a person you're proud of. You look at him like..."

Miya aggressively chewed on a handful of grapes, trying to think of the right words. "Like you're beyond happy to be right there with him. You look as if you'd want to wake up next to him every day, just calm and joyful and heart warmed all at once."

The redhead flushed deeply, crossing his arms and having to look away. "How would you know this, anyway?"

"I've seen it in lots of couples before. Not to mention myself, too."

"Eh?" He cracked a smile, snickering. "Aren't you a little young for that, Miya?"

"Aren't you a little old to be in denial about your own feelings?" Miya spit out, glaring at the redhead.

"Alright, we're gonna stop talking about this now."

"Nuh-uh. Tell me what you're going for."

Reki tilted his head, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, are you trying to get to be his boyfriend, or get over the thought of it?"

Reki sighed. "Honestly, I don't know. If I didn't have these feelings, I wouldn't be in this situation. It's been a really long time though, so I don't think I can get over it. And having this makes me feel alive, so I don't think I want to be rid of them. But I know nothing is going to happen between me and Langa. So I should move on. But I don't want to. But nothing is going to advance..."

Miya rolled his eyes. "Congratulations, you've gotten yourself into an endless loop. Do you want to hear the best course of action, even if you won't like it?"

Reki nodded repeatedly. "Please."

"I think you should say all of that over again, except not to me. Tell it to Langa."

Reki stood up, hit his head on the ceiling, and scrambled out of the hidden room. "No thanks! Have a nice day, Miya."

"Wait!" Miya grabbed his wrist and yanked Reki back into the room. "You're not getting away that easily."

The redhead grunted, having almost hit his head again. "Well, if I can't do that, what can I do?"

"Try to make a move, at least," Miya said. "Then he can catch on without you having to do anything major. He'll eventually confront you about it himself, and then you won't have to initiate anything."

Reki thought about it for a second. Making a move was something he'd thought he'd been doing ever since he could remember. Perhaps he just wasn't trying hard enough?

"Alright, I'll try. Thanks, Miya."

"Yeah, no problem. Good luck!"

Leaving the house with a new plan set in mind, he found a bit more confidence, and the spark of hope he'd lost revived. There _is_ a chance, Reki told himself. There is a chance, and I will take it.


	3. Wildflowers

**X days prior / Day 3**

Reki woke up early, despite going to sleep late. The thought of telling Langa everything haunted him. Langa always made him feel safe and loved-not in the way he wanted, of course, but since it was as close as it was gonna get, risking it all didn’t seem worth that one-in-a-million chance.

Langa was his best friend, and just about his _only_ friend. Everyone else was an acquaintance, being out of his age group. And the people from school didn’t really bother trying to approach him because they already had their own close-knit group, and acknowledged that Langa and Reki were just the inseparable duo.

If they were to ever split, for any reason, Reki knew that he’d be alone. Plain and simple, that would be it. Until everyone forgot that he and Langa were friends, nobody would attempt to get close to him. That meant waiting through graduation.

Reki shook his head, trying to get rid of all those thoughts. He and Langa had always talked about going to college together, making it through the whole world with each other by their side. Separating was not an option.

There was a bracelet on his wrist, one that Langa had made, and of course there was one that he’d made an almost identical copy of. They’d thought promise rings would stand out too much, and they’d agreed that they wanted to keep it hidden, just for themselves to know of. So when Reki had proposed the idea of promise bracelets instead, Langa had enthusiastically said yes.

Looking at it now, Reki saw how the colours had dulled and how the strings had loosened. It wasn’t about to fall off, though. Only a really sharp pair of scissors could make that happen.

Putting that in his mind, Reki got ready for school, prepared to have another day of buried feelings aching to arise.

-

“A girl confessed to me recently.”

The sound of lockers slamming shut was the only thing that kept Reki from spacing out. “Eh? A girl? You?” He tried his best to be enthusiastic. “Well, you gotta tell me everything! When was it? Did you accept?”

“It was just shortly after you left.” Turning to face him, Langa actually didn’t seem excited at all. “No, I didn’t accept.” He kept walking down the hall where both their 1st period classes were.

A flood of relief rushed through Reki. Then, one of guilt came too. Shouldn’t he be happy for Langa, not himself? It was something Langa talked about often, even before that conversation 2 days ago, wanting another person to be considered a lover.

The question flew out before he could stop it. “Haven’t you wanted that, though? You said this other girl is out of reach. Why didn’t you take it?”

Langa shifted his attention to the ground, shifting his bag. “It just didn’t feel right.”

“Ah.” He could tell that there was some other reason, but deciding not to push it, Reki started to look down at his shoes too. “Did you change your mind already?”

“About wanting someone? Just a little, yeah.”

Just a little, huh? Reki held back a sigh. He didn’t know what it meant, and wasn’t sure if he ever would find out. Do I even _want_ to know?

Reki figured that he didn’t want to hear it. Throughout his years, he hadn’t changed his mind about Langa once-the only thing that hadn’t stayed was thinking he had a chance. It seemed like Langa thought differently, having changed his mind so quickly.

“See you in chemistry later,” Langa said, disappearing behind the classroom door.

“…Yeah, see you.”

-

“It just didn’t feel right.” He frowned at his desk, clutching his pen tighter. “It just didn’t feel right.”

Reki mumbled the words to himself over and over again, trying to figure out what he’d missed. It didn’t feel right to accept her confession, but because of what? Was it something to do with who the girl was, or Langa himself? Not attractive enough, not smart enough? Was she just not his type?

If that was the case, what would satisfy him? It was obvious that Reki wasn’t doing enough, either. What did he have to work on?

Maybe, instead of not working hard enough, he’d tried too hard instead. Langa didn’t want to pass a line because they’d already gotten so far. The line that Reki wanted to reach was beyond what Langa wanted-and neither of them could handle the other.

The past couple of years, Reki had told himself that because he and Langa were best friends, that he could stay like that and be content for both their sakes. But forcing that upon himself had quickly started to feel suffocating, trapping him in some mindset that said sacrificing energy, feelings, time-and pretty much everything else about yourself-was the right thing to do when it came to relationships.

It was toxic, really. Sacrificing yourself to keep someone else content sure sounded selfless, but in reality, it was practically a scam. Keeping the fact that you’re damaged from the relationship, no matter how lightly, would really damage them, too. Hiding your discomfort had to be the worst thing you could keep secret.

Realising all of this, Reki groaned and his head on the desk. Looking at his phone across the room, there were only two options. Keep in contact and attempt to step forward, or avoid and eventually cut off. Staying like this, as just friends, was just a temporary solution. Actually, not even much of a solution. It had given him all of this time to think about what to do, and now that he had realised the truth about being “content” in the friendship, Reki knew he had to do something.

Miya had said to try and make a move. Possibilities weren’t guaranteed, because they were just that-possibilities. But they do give a chance.

Lifting his phone, the small spark of hope in Reki’s chest grew.

Langa had missed their usual time at the skate park after tests. It was like another one of their silent agreements, to have fun there when any class had held a test that day. They’d go as soon as the dismissal bell would ring, racing each other.

But after school, Reki hadn’t found Langa anywhere around. He’d checked the bathrooms, cafeteria, gym, and library. The two shared their 3rd and 6th classes, so he must’ve had just left early, but what for?

It didn’t really matter to him then, so Reki went on to dial Langa’s number. As usual, he picked up immediately.

“Langa!”

“Reki?”

“Do you want to head to the skate park? We didn’t get to go like usual.”

“Oh, of course.” The scuffling on the other end made Reki sure that Langa was just getting out of bed, which was odd for him at past school hours. “I can probably make it in ten minutes or so, is that alright?”

Ignoring how Langa sounded tired, Reki answered cheerfully, already going to get his skateboard. Running outside, feeling more excited yet nervous than ever before, he didn’t know what he was going to do, but he knew it would be something different. Something that would make it clear what Langa thought of him and just romantic relationships in general. Then choosing a path would be easy.

At the skatepark, he found Langa sitting down, surprisingly empty-handed. Crouching by him, Reki asked, “Where’s your board?”

“Oh, sorry,” Langa said, averting his eyes. “I just realised I don’t think I have the energy today. Can we go somewhere else?”

Reki nodded, standing back up. “Yeah, sure. You did sound kind of tired, everything okay?”

Langa yawned, brushed some dirt off, and stood back up too. “Mhm. It’s just, I was on a really long call with…someone, and it took a while.” Tilting his head to the right for a brief second, he started walking that way, and Reki took it as a sign to follow him.

“Someone?” he said, not able to just dismiss it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t ask.”

Langa shrugged. “It’s alright. It was just, well, the girl I told you about earlier.”

“Oh…you gave her your number? I thought you said no.”

“She kept persisting. Maybe I’ll tell her off one day, I don’t know.” With a sigh, he said, “I just don’t want to have to start anything unnecessary and awkward, especially anyone’s tears.”

“I think you should just tell her straight up,” Reki said boldly, not knowing if it was some wise man speaking or his jealousy. “No point in dragging it out.”

After some minutes, Langa eventually agreed. “You’re probably right. I mean, she seems like a good person, but she’s not interesting. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

By then, Langa stopped walking, and so Reki stopped too. “This is what you had in mind?”

Langa let himself down onto the lush grass as an answer. He didn’t know exactly what was going on, but Reki sat down too.

The field of wildflowers wasn’t anything special. It was just grass upon a hill with a bit of colour. Sure, it was getting to be late afternoon, and so the sun was about to set, but it didn’t make anything appealing.

In movies, some calming, cliché setting like this would make you think that the main characters were going to have some memorable moments. All it ever did was make him feel drowsy; in his eyes, grassy hills covered in flowers were so calming that they made you feel almost melancholy, leading you to want to sleep. Nobody had said that they felt the same, and Langa had said the scenery would actually make him feel more awake.

Reki figured that Langa must’ve been taking advantage of the random things he always said, because he was already starting to feel sluggish like usual. “Why did you drag me out here?”

“I thought it would be nice to see. You’ve been acting really worried these past few days, and I haven’t seen you skate for a while.”

Something about those lines made Reki jolt up and have his brain go into panic mode. Was Langa catching on? But that would be a good thing, right? Because he couldn’t initiate anything, just like Miya had said. It was still a terrifying thought, though.

“Reki? Reki, are you there?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m just”-he let out a yawn-“getting tired.”

Langa chuckled at the sight. Wrapping his arm around the other’s body, he pulled Reki closer, offering his shoulder.

Though trying to act as sleepily as he could, Reki’s breath hitched at the sudden touch. If he were able to be completely awake, he didn’t know if pushing away would be the first instinct, or to embrace it more. Maybe, if there were to ever be a next time, it would be genuine.

For now, he could only wish and pray, hoping that closing his eyes would let the problem solve itself.

-

Reki bolted up in bed and cursed himself as soon as he remembered what had happened. “Dammit! I was supposed to make a move, not fall asleep or let him do it.”

After scolding himself enough so that Miya wouldn’t have to, he realised that there was something bothering him. Even though the memory was still clear, Reki couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was forgetting some other part of the event. No matter how much he tried to recall it, he couldn’t think of anything else that had happened.

Shrugging it off, he decided to send Langa a ‘thank you’ message, saying that it had been relaxing and a nice change.


	4. Words

**X days prior / Day 4**

The next morning went by, simply put, confusingly for Reki. Langa didn’t answer his texts, even though he was always the one to wake up early. There was nobody waiting for Reki at the school gates, and the only time he caught a glimpse of Langa was when he was being avoided by dashing to homeroom.

Reki huffed, but tried not to think much of it. It couldn’t be much of a big deal-he was probably just busy. After all, Langa had said that he would talk to the girl as soon as he could, and this was the chance to. If they shared homeroom class, that is.

Going to his own classroom, Reki still tried to recall whatever was bothering him-the missing event that had surely slipped from his mind. He’d just been so tired, heavy, and preoccupied with thanking the gods for the chance to be in Langa’s arms, that he hadn’t kept track of the entire afternoon.

-

Reki swapped their trays again, just like any other day. “Hey Langa, what happened yesterday when I fell asleep?”

As soon as he asked it, Reki realised that he probably wouldn’t be answered honestly. What kind of idiot asks an important question so bluntly? Even after watching so many detective shows, he still didn’t know how to interrogate properly.

But, instead of trying to come up with some random excuse, Langa flushed at the question. “Um, you kind of just drifted off, because wildflowers on fields during late afternoon and evening make you drowsy…”

Well, that’s oddly specific, Reki thought. “I mean, after I fell asleep. I feel like I’ve forgotten something important. It’s really weird.”

Langa chewed his lip, worriedly looking at the lunch tray. “Is it…bothering you?”

“If I say yes, will you feel forced to tell me?”

“I…” He sighed heavily, clawing at the back of his hands. “I don’t want to hide anything from you. But, I guess I would. Feel forced, I mean.”

“Then, I won’t ask,” Reki said, turning back to his lunch.

Langa stayed silent. While Reki was completely fine with a secret being kept just this once-pressuring him would’ve been breaking their promise, after all-it seemed like Langa was more affected. With his pursed lips and bouncing leg, Reki guessed that it must’ve been important, not something to be shrugged off like he’d done earlier.

“Really, it’s fine!” he said, trying to be as reassuring as possible. “You don’t have to talk about it. Whatever I did was probably embarrassing, anyway,” Reki chuckled.

Langa’s head perked up, clearly surprised. “Whatever _you_ d-?!” Shaking his head, he interrupted himself. “It was embarrassing for me.”

Second-hand, probably, Reki thought, though shrugging it off again because he didn’t really care. They’d done plenty of humiliating things together-in front of anyone else, he’d be slightly more cautious, but with Langa, carefree was just the default mood.

“I think I’m going to go,” Langa mumbled, trashing out the lunch tray.

“Huh? Why?” Reki asked. When he was just met with a shrug, he said, “well, alright then.”

Reki didn’t have the slightest clue as to where Langa would be going, but he trusted him.

Since Langa had seemed satisfied with leaving the conversation there, Reki hadn’t given it another piece of consideration. Sure, it would satisfy his curiosity to know, but making his best friend uncomfortable wasn’t worth it.

Reki had changed his mind when he saw Langa talking to someone right outside the school gates.

When Reki found Langa talking to Miya, he wasn't surprised at that itself. He was more surprised at what they were talking _about_.

Keeping a relatively safe distance, Reki started overhearing the conversation when Miya let out a cackle of sorts. "You need to relax. Nobody would end anything over that. I bet she'd actually take it well!"

"Take it well? We aren't together...I haven't talked to her about it!"

"That's exactly why you shouldn't be ashamed and just tell her what happened! It's the start of it all."

Reki huffed. From what he understood, there had been some situation with the girl Langa liked, and he hadn't heard a whisper of it until now. What had he said those few days ago? Something about her being out of reach. Had he been lying about something?

Langa sighed. "I really wish I could talk to Reki about this."

Huh? Reki froze, his skin getting cold and heart beginning to hammer. How come he thought that they couldn't talk about it?

"Well, why can't you? You two are really close."

"That's..." Langa groaned, saying, "that's the whole problem. We're too close. It's like we've set everything in stone, so I can't be myself around him. At least, not about this."

Miya stayed silent as Langa kept going. "I don't know what he'd do if I were to tell him. Usually I know how he'll feel about things, but for some reason, when it's this important? My mind goes blank and full of panic."

 _Panic_ . Langa was scared to talk to Reki about whatever he'd forgotten, because even after knowing each other for years, he couldn't predict how he'd feel. Actually, just _knowing_ each other was an understatement. They'd practically been living together since junior high.

Then a new problem dawned on to him. Did he not know Langa well enough, either?

"Maybe we weren't ever fit to be fr-"

Reki was on the brink of having all his trust and confidence shattered at that moment. He walked over to Miya and Langa, interrupting him before any doubts were said aloud.

Langa's eyes widened when he was approached. "Reki! Hey...Sorry, I promise it's not what you think it is."

In the split second he had to fake an expression, Reki went from a distraught, hopeless look to a cheery and curious one. "What are you two talking about?" he asked with a smile.

While Langa hesitated to answer, Miya matched Reki's smile with a mischievous one and opened his mouth to speak. "Langa said that yesterday, he-"

Langa slapped Miya’s arm to shut him up, to which Miya hit back. It escalated quickly, having them bicker so much that Reki couldn’t hear any more than a few unimportant words.

He wasn’t sure if interrupting would be the right thing or if he should just wait for them to stop. On the other hand, he could just leave and hope nobody would notice. It didn’t seem like they wanted him there anyways-they’d stopped the conversation as soon as he’d entered. And they had clearly been talking about him, along with something he didn’t know about yesterday. The only time he hadn’t been with Langa yesterday was shortly after school…And that was when Langa had talked about the girl.

Reki hit the back of his own head, trying to stop thinking about it. But it wasn’t something that could be put off easily. So he didn’t wave goodbye when he walked away.

The confusion haunted him during that short walk home. He’d told himself to stop thinking about it, not make a big deal, that Langa would surely talk to him about it when the time came…But there just wasn’t a guarantee anymore. He wasn’t confident that Langa would actually talk to him, like he’d been so sure the past few years.

When had all the doubts started, anyways? When Langa declined a chance to hang out together? When he started making excuses for those? When he kept leaving abruptly, or when he was never the one to start conversations about anything other than-?

Something in Reki’s head clicked right then, like a lightswitch that just got turned on. Recently, Langa hadn’t started conversations about anything other than liking someone.

A bitter taste arose in his mouth. There was a better way to put it, regarding Langa’s perspective. He hadn’t started conversations about anything other than _love_.

Reki’s face scrunched up at the thought. Thinking about Langa with someone else wasn’t the entire problem-it was Langa feeling and wanting for someone else that bothered him. Moments with Langa didn’t mean as much as they used to when they were talking about someone else.

It was a hard word to say. Avoiding it was better.

-

Somehow, the topic just kept coming up.

Langa had called Reki, asking if they wanted to go to the skatepark since they hadn’t last time. Excited, he’d of course said yes, but Reki hadn’t expected it to turn out how it was going.

They were walking up the hill on the way to the skatepark in an awkward silence, when Langa blurted out, “A girl asked me out today.”

Reki gave a confused smile, gripping his board. “Eh? Again? Well, you said no, right?”

At the shake of his head, Reki’s heart dropped. “I thought about what you said, about why I didn’t take it last time. I think I was just stuck looking for- _waiting_ for-the ideal situation, but obviously…” With a frown, he finished with, “it’s not going to happen. I’m not that lucky.”

“Ideal situation?” Reki asked, “What do you mean? You like another girl?”

“I told you already,” Langa said, turning to face him. “She’s out of reach now. Hopefully I’ll get rid of the last of these feelings.”

Reki kept his head down, suddenly understanding that their situations were similar. “What would help you do that?” he asked, hoping the answer would also work for him.

“Well…” Langa hummed from thought. “I think I’ve been holding it in for too long. Screaming it out would feel really nice, but then people would hear me.” He cracked a smile and started to laugh.

Reki didn’t completely get what was funny, but the smile he saw was enough to let him give off a joyous look, too. “Maybe I’ll try that.”

-

The clouds were covering the sun, but Reki didn’t need to feel any warmth from the sky. The way he was enjoying his passion alongside someone who’s smile made him smile let his heart jump with glee.

He could only hear the sounds of the skateboard’s wheels sliding against the ground, and then the sudden silence from being in the air-even for that split second-allowed him to glimpse at Langa, who cheered for him from below.

The great grin they were both wearing came from each other’s expressions. If he wasn’t concentrating on his skating, Reki could cheer for Langa, and if he was skating, he could watch Langa cheer for him.

“That was amazing!”

It would probably get old one day, hearing similar compliments, no matter how flattering. While he did feel ecstasy knowing that Langa found him incredible, the words seemed to be watered-down each time they were spoken.

That didn’t mean he was going to stop skating or saying compliments himself, though. After all, it was obvious that Langa appreciated those as much as Reki appreciated the physical feeling of fondness.

Dropping to the ground, he heard Langa calling out right before he was about to start again. “Hey, Reki! Let’s head back, it’s going to rain heavily soon.”

Reki kicked off of his skateboard and caught up with Langa. It had already started drizzling. “Alright, let’s go.”

As they tried their best to run without slipping, the storm clouds didn’t seem to have any mercy. The drizzles quickly became downpour, and the sound of pouring rain was so loud that they couldn’t even hear their own breath. Soon enough, they could hear thunder. He was only a few feet behind Langa, but when a question got yelled at him, Reki could barely make out half the words.

“What did you say?!”

Langa turned his head around to ask again, but having only heard a few words, Reki just sent a confused look. After that, Langa gave up and just kept running.

At that moment, a crazy idea came into his head. He slowed down, creating a larger gap between him and Langa. The urge to scream, to let out all the energy he’d kept in for so long, had just been getting stronger by the hour.

The click inside his head appeared again. “Screaming it out would feel really nice, but then people would hear me.” That’s what Langa had said earlier.

The whirl of possibilities were frightening, but when he found himself standing still, watching Langa still going ahead, it felt like his only chance.

It didn’t matter how icky the words felt on his tongue, he just had to say it once. And then the feelings attached to them would disappear over time, never to be had again.


	5. Him

**X days prior / Day 4 (continuation)**

In music class, during the couple months they’d spent learning to sing, the teacher would always lay out 4 steps to success. Reciting the lyrics in your head, mouthing them, saying them normally, and then singing them.

He could remember every time almost perfectly. Reciting and mouthing lyrics had been easy. Saying them with a regular voice had been embarrassing, but not difficult. Singing them had always been the most terrifying part; the only voice you could hear was your own, and even if you thought you were doing well, knowing that everyone else was hearing differently didn’t exactly make you feel proud.

It was the same for this situation. Reciting and mouthing the words in the mirror had been easy. Saying it to the mirror was odd, but at least he knew nobody was watching. Just saying it wasn’t enough, though. It didn’t count for when Langa was asleep, or when it was mumbled. That hadn’t gotten all of his feelings out.

Reki was still standing there, letting his jacket get more soaked by the second. Suddenly, Langa noticed that he was running alone, and turned around. He waved Reki over, waiting for him to catch up. But his heart jumped to his throat and his body froze in place-he couldn’t move.

Langa kept going to him, shortening the distance, and with that, spiked Reki’s dread. The closer they were, the more likely he was to hear. The thunder was deafening, but wouldn’t be enough if they were only a few feet apart.

A storm this blaring in this season wasn’t going to happen again. The opportunity was clearly laid out for him-so, it was now or never.

Reki parted his lips and started to hold breath, shutting his eyes too because he didn’t want to see anything. Everything was going so, so slowly, dragging out all the movements he had to make and moments he was sacrificing.

His pained voice pierced the air when he yelled and released it all. “Langa! For so many years, I’ve been in love with you!”

Opening his eyes and seeing Langa confused, his breath halted again. This was it…The reaction could be anything from frustrated screaming to bitter looks and disappointment. Both were expected, and Reki wouldn’t be able to blame him for it if that was going to be the response.

Was he crazy? Reki gripped his hands into fists, staring down at their muddy shoes, laces near untied. Langa being with a girl was just a reason to not confess, but for some reason he’d taken it as a sign to. Now, their friendship was sure to be destroyed.

His regret flipped over as soon as Langa spoke, saying, “I couldn’t tell what you said.” The rain was still making it hard to hear, but his voice was calmer than ever. “For years, you what?”

Reki still stood stunned, and then started laughing at the relief. Langa hadn’t heard it-thunder had struck as he'd confessed. His fists went open and clung to his stomach, almost laughing out tears. He hadn’t heard it, but the confession was off of his chest, so they could return to their normal times with each other. No more awkwardness or temptation.

Langa started to shake Reki’s shoulders as he laughed. “What’s funny? I don’t get it, Reki, it’s pouring rain.”

Reki finished off the rest of his laughs with a sigh and sad smile. It wasn’t funny, really. Though he hadn’t been heard, just as wished, it was still a crushing feeling to know that his attraction-something that made him feel alive-would dwindle. “Let’s get back home.”

Langa stumbled upon his words, trying to get Reki to repeat himself, before reluctantly agreeing. “Okay, let’s go home.”

-

It was only until they parted ways that everything crashed down upon him.

As Reki closed the door to his house, waving Langa goodbye, all energy left the room. It was lonely, the place being completely dark and empty. Even after turning the lights on, Reki found himself alone and hollow, thinking of the boy he’d just left.

_“A girl asked me out today.”_

Or, rather, the boy who’d just left him.

Reki went back outside, finding the plain grass more entertaining than inside. It had been an idiotic thing to do, and an even more idiotic reason to think it would be a good idea. Confessing to the person because they were already in a relationship? He should have been thinking to keep it a secret longer for that reason.

If not for the thunder, Langa’s relationship with that girl-who he had yet to meet-would’ve been intervened with, all because of him not being able to contain and control his feelings.

What had happened, even? He’d gotten this spontaneous idea, carried out with it, and then realised it had been the wrong thing to do even if it had been done properly.

Yet, he tried to look on the positive side of things. This meant that he wouldn’t ever have to do it again, like singing in front of an audience. You’d have to re-do it if you were too quiet, and then that just stretched the embarrassment out. So he was a bit relieved that it was all over.

The feelings, temptations, risks, and everything else that could ruin their relationship because of some stupid emotions, would all be put to rest. Langa would stay with his girlfriend, Reki would find someone else, and they would still be friends.

It seemed ideal. But at the same time, imagining it didn’t look right.

Reki stretched out on the hammock, staring up at the bright sky that had replaced the storm. It was awfully sunny for his sudden terrible mood.

**X days prior / Day 5**

Just one look and Reki could already tell that Langa’s girlfriend wasn’t anything like he could imagine.

“Hey,” she said, masking her sour look with a smile. “My name’s Yua, Yua Suzuki. What’s your name?”

“Reki Kyan,” he replied back, not even attempting to shake her hand.

Yua Suzuki’s petite body stood at about 5’6, her skin looking as pale and soft as Langa’s. Her wavy, black hair seemed as smooth as silk and framed her face perfectly. There wasn’t anything special about her-the only thing that stood out was a necklace with a blue pendant.

“Let’s get along, yeah?”

Her tone made it sound almost like a threat, but there wasn’t anything inherently rude or questionable about it. So Reki nodded, trying to copy her smile.

The bell rang, and Suzuki took it as an opportunity. Reki stared as she grabbed Langa’s hand and squeezed it, saying a quick goodbye before heading to her homeroom.

He tried not to scowl while she walked away. “Already on the cutesy goodbye stage, huh?”

Langa shrugged. “I guess she likes physical contact too?”

“Too?”

“Well, you do it a lot, don’t you?” Langa said it as if it were plainly obvious.

A small ache came to his heart, though Reki knew he most likely wasn’t trying to come across as hurtful. Should he stop doing it? It was comforting to him, and he’d thought Langa was fine with it the whole time.

Well, he was supposed to stop with all the hints anyway, because yelling it out had been enough.

-

Every once in a while, the two would go up on the roof for lunch instead of sitting in the cafeteria, where it was crowded and loud. Picking up his bag as the bell rang, Reki asked himself if going to the rooftop would be a good idea. It had been a while, too…Probably three weeks, Reki guessed.

Suzuki’s voice challenged that thought. Stepping into the classroom and skipping over to them, she called out, “Langa, let’s head to lunch together!”

“Uhm…” Langa shifted uncomfortably, eyes drifting from her to Reki. “Sorry, I told Reki I’d go with him today,” he said, standing up and walking over to the redhead. “I thought I’d told you already.”

Suzuki frowned and crossed her arms. “I thought you were joking.”

At least try to be understanding, Reki thought, having to turn away. If he’s busy, he’s busy. And even if he’s not, there doesn’t have to be an excuse. Just not wanting to is a good enough reason.

“Sorry about the misunderstanding, then,” Langa said. “I’ll catch up with you later, Yua.”

The two slipped out of the classroom, feeling the tension release. “Wanna head to the rooftop today?” Reki asked, being able to put on a smile again.

Langa agreed and picked up his pace. “I’ve missed it, but I guess the timing just never felt right.”

“I think I get that.” Reki stopped to open his locker and took out two lunches. “Here, I got one for you!”

Langa’s face lit up with joy as he took the box, saying, “Thank you! You’re the best, Reki.”

Hearing him say his name like that, out of gratitude and happiness, was something Reki never wanted to get rid of.

Being at the rooftop, they felt the gentle breeze go past, saw the birds fly, and heard the rustling of leaves that made their own flight across the yard. Here, where they were so high up, Reki understood that he could talk about anything.

So, he asked what he’d been thinking of earlier, hoping that Langa wouldn’t get worried.

“Huh? No, that’s not what I meant,” Langa said, putting his chopsticks down, though he hadn’t started eating. “I’ve known you for a long time now. Yua and I have only been in the same class this year, and haven’t even talked much. I’m comfortable when you do things like hold my hand or whatever, so I guess I just have to get used to her doing it, too.”

Reki had to take a second to make sure he’d heard that right. “You’re comfortable with it? Okay with me and all this physical contact stuff?”

Langa nodded as if this was something all friends said to each other. “It’s not a bother at all. I think I kind of like it, actually.”

Ecstasy written all over his face, Reki’s heart rushed at the euphoria. “I’ll do it more, then!”

Langa chuckled, saying “alright” with a warm tone. At the same time, his hand slipped to Reki’s-whether on purpose or by accident wasn’t clear-but they intertwined their fingers for a quick second before letting go. Even if it was just for that one second, Reki felt that he was loved. Even if he wouldn’t love back any longer.

-

They were at the rooftop, except they didn’t have their lunches, and based off of the looks of the sky, it wasn’t around their break either. The branches were still being swayed by the wind though, and everything else looked the same as well.

Reki spoke up spontaneously. “Langa, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while.”

Langa glanced up from his phone, turning it off in an instant. When it kept lighting up because of the messages-which appeared to be from Yua-he powered it off completely and slipped it into his back pocket.

“Sorry,” he said, looking at Reki. “What was it you were going to say?”

Reki took a deep breath and paused for a moment to look at Langa’s curious expression. “All this time, I’ve been in love with you.”

It was as if time stopped. The wind stopped rustling their hair and the trees in front of them. Langa’s face turned from shock to a relieved laugh. “I’ve always loved you too!”

Reki bolted up in bed and immediately swore at himself. The realisation hit him like a brick-just yelling it out wouldn’t make the feelings go away. He’d have to try harder to get rid of them. Somehow, he’d have to make his heart stay the same when seeing Langa, to quit being tempted to touch him, to forget all the future fantasies he had that included him.

Sighing, Reki fell asleep again with a new idea in mind.

-


End file.
